Choosing Peace

If I said I didn’t learn something new everyday I would be lying, and even then “new things” sometimes tend to be a rediscovery of old things I had forgotten about. My parents are wonderful parents, and I wouldn’t ask for anything more after all being a parent is hard. My parents have been divorced since I was 6 years old, all things considering this had more of an impact on me than I realized. At 22 I find things from a time I don’t even really remember manifesting its way into my life in my emotional blind spots. Peace seems impossible in adult relationships because as far as 6 year old me is concerned if you’re not fighting things are still not okay. If you don’t fight for the person or things that you love in this life then do you really stand for anything? The answer is still yes. Standing alone on your own two feet is okay and learning how to do life alone is okay. Not fighting with people who are committed to misunderstanding you is okay and having a relationship go on without chaos is okay. There doesn’t need to be chaos around every corner and finding peace is okay. I have spent a lot of time robbing myself of peace because my chaos driven brain felt uncomfortable in times where nothing was wrong. I chose for a long time to push through an uncomfortable time of peace and it stuck around for awhile, until I got too comfortable. I find myself facing constant challenges from the universe in terms of leveling up, choosing my own peace, and learning to apply everything it has taught me in the last year. Yet this emotional blind spot of mine was the last piece to the puzzle I have been since abandoning. I have chosen chaos over peace to feel comfortable in the identity I formed for myself around pain. I have been crying out about not fighting anymore when I have been the one picking fights to stay comfortable. I choose to fight with myself and others simply to keep that identity in tact knowing that she doesn’t live here anymore. The pieces to my puzzle all seem to be falling together as I find the pieces of me that have fallen on the floor and forgotten about are getting picked up to put the final touches on the new version of me. The pieces of me that never fit into this puzzle of mine to begin with have since been left with others and I have given one too many people the responsibility to heal from my own problems. After all isn't that what we all do? When we can’t find the right things within ourselves we find them in others and sometimes that means leaving people with burdens they were never meant to bear. Healing the right way this time requires me to choose peace instead of chaos. Love instead of pain and keeping myself whole instead of only showing people the pieces I want them to see. The part of growth that people don’t talk about is the willingness to lose your shit in order to gain control of it, and making mistakes so you can learn how to do better next time. Life doesn’t come with instructions and messing up by choosing chaos instead of peace doesn’t make you a lost cause. It makes you human. Every single person in this world is fighting their own demons, some willing to accept them others not so much. At the end of the day you are defined by which demons you’re willing to face. You can float through life and face all the easy ones, or you can be the one who chooses to face the hard ones and take control of your own life. If we don’t choose to uncover the problems, they’re going to run our lives into the ground. I now have rediscovered the problem that I learned about months ago, yet left unchecked it required the universe to take everything from me. I wasn’t being punished for choosing chaos, I was being told to move away from it. I have to learn to choose peace because if I don’t I am probably going to keep running into life shattering events that make my world spin slower. I can’t stay here, choosing chaos is exhausting. Pushing through the uncomfortable feelings is also exhausting, but I don’t doubt it’ll be worth it. One is going to bring me back to square 1 every time, and one is only going to bring me back to square 5. Choose peace, choose love, and choose yourself. Chaos can be left for others to take on if they so choose to.